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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.